I Miscarried…

December 2012 I miscarried…. My husband and I got married in November and while we hadn’t planned to have children so early in our marriage we were super excited when I went to the doctors in December and found out we were pregnant! We just had a rough couple of months before getting married so, besides being newly married this baby was a silver lining in a cloud.

You see on October 23, 2012, I was admitted to the hospital. I hadn’t been feeling well for a few days and I got to the point where I was having a hard time breathing and I was experiencing pain in my chest. Upon my arrival to the hospital, I was rushed to an ER room and then for a CT scan and MRI… All to find out that I had a pulmonary embolism or, in layman’s terms, a blood clot in my right lung. I was then told that had I not made it to the hospital when I did I would’ve possibly lost my life. SCARY, was an understatement…. I had NEVER been sick, stayed in the hospital overnight, no broken bones, nothing.

So, you can completely understand why this conception was such a BRIGHT spot for us given what I had just experienced…. Now back to the story. So, we went in to the doctors for a follow up appointment from my blood clot and part of the routine is having to take a pregnancy test. I took the test not thinking anything of it, since it was a part of what I had been doing for a few weeks now. But, to our surprise the nurse came in and said SURPRISE! You’re pregnant! Lol, we both looked completely dumbfounded! But, excited nonetheless. The doctor then came in to congratulate us, check my vitals and then suggested that I schedule an appointment with my OB/GYN to further confirm the pregnancy.

I scheduled the appointment with our OB/GYN for a few weeks later. They advised that when I came in for my first appointment they would confirm how far along I was by doing a vaginal ultrasound and check the baby’s heartbeat. In late December, we went in for our first pregnancy appointment. I climbed up in the chair as the nurse prepared for my ultrasound. She began and showed us the yolk sac that our baby would grow in… She moved around to check for the heartbeat… and nothing. No heartbeat. No little butterfly flutters… No movement…. Nothing.

Immediately, another OB/GYN comes in (not my usual doctor) and says we’ll have to terminate the pregnancy…. And walks out. My husband and I sit there in silence as tears began to stream down my face… She didn’t even give me the satisfaction of a proper explanation of what had happened. We were hurt, frustrated, and then INFURIATED. We felt like we were just a medical record to her…. Not people who had just been told our baby didn’t make it. We found a nurse and asked to speak to my primary OB/GYN.

My primary OB/GYN came in and immediately consoled me and I fell completely apart in her arms. She GOT me. She knew that I needed to be held and she did just that for me. And once I was able to collect myself enough to converse, she explained to us really what happened… You see, I just had a blood clot and, therefore, I was on a medication called Warfarin. Warfarin is a blood thinner that is used to treat and prevent blood clots. But, this medication is not recommended during pregnancy because it’s TOTALLY harmful for an unborn baby…. And Warfarin was the catalyst in the demise of the life of our child. She then proceeded to tell us that because I was on this medication, I was unable to pass the baby naturally on my own and that I would have to be scheduled for a Dilation and Curettage (D&C) procedure. Warfarin thins out your blood so much, that had I miscarried naturally I could’ve bled to death… So, here I am again experiencing yet another possible brush with death and dying 2 months after the clot…. What a whirlwind 2012 was.

5 Days Later I arrive to the hospital with Josh for this procedure. My stomach was in knots. I was emotional and felt like at any moment I could burst into tears. The nurses were patient with me while I prepared to do something I never thought I’d have to do. Within an hour, I was laying in a hospital bed awaiting surgery when the doctor comes in… And who’s the doctor scheduled for my procedure? The same one that gave us the bad news with no real regard for our feelings just a few days before. Oh Joy! But, this time she was different…. More sincere. Like God, himself, had FINALLY touched her heart and she remembered that we were patients and not lab projects. She thoroughly explained what would happen during the procedure and what my next steps would be after it was over. Once she was done, she grabbed my hand and held it for a moment, for reassurance I’m sure, and told me she would see me soon in the operating room and that everything would be okay.

The rest of my hospital experience is kind of a blur. I remember being rolled back into the operating room and seeing bright lights but, that’s it… I woke up, groggy, and in recovery. The deed was done. The baby was gone. My womb was empty… I wasn’t going to be a mommy in the coming months….

This loss was hard for not only me but, also my husband. For months, we didn’t really talk about it. Danced around the topic because we were both hurt. We both mourned the loss of this child…. And while we have 2 beautiful blessings in children now, we have never forgotten this unborn baby.

I share this story with you because we just celebrated Mother’s Day and while this is always a beautiful occasion, we should keep in mind that others have had stories and situations similar to mine. I got through mine and I thank God everyday for Caleb & Kelsey but, there are others whose stories are still being written…. There are others who haven’t experienced the joy of birthing their babies for one reason or another… The bottomline is sometimes it’s better to just love and support one another rather than trying to be all in each other’s business when it comes to their journey with childbirth, parenting, motherhood, or adoption….

Peace, Love & Light….

10 thoughts on “I Miscarried…

  1. Awwww sorry for the loss. You’re one tough mama! Everything happens for a reason, and for sure, your baby is now your angel guiding you and her siblings.

    God bless your family..and yes, belated happy Mother’s Day.

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  2. Your transparency will soon take this blog farther than you can imagine. 💜 Thank God that experience didn’t kill you and you Josh were blessed with 2 more beautiful children.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank God you made it through! Sharing your experience will help others who have experienced miscarriage know that they are not alone. It also serves notice that we should not pry into a couple’s business when they remain childless. Kudos to you for putting yourself out there!

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  4. Hi Kim! THANK YOU so much for this. I also had a miscarriage in 2012 (July) and often think about those twins around the time they would have been born. Thank you for sharing!

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  5. Cousin Kim,
    Condolences to you and Josh for your loss. We never know what people are experiencing. God continues to show you favour with your two beautiful little ones. Your blogs are so helpful. You are teaching me to embrace my life journeys with courage love and patience. As I mentioned before, you have really shown through you and Josh’s stories that life is tough but with Gods hand we always come through. Keep inspiring us. Luv ya!!
    Cousin Dee

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