Around the age of between 7 & 9 I had an experience that I believe changed my perspective on not only myself but sexuality as well…. I was molested by two of my cousins… There’s no sense in dragging out what happened so, let’s just rip off the band-aid. I honestly can’t remember which two of them it was…. I’m guessing my mind has intentionally blocked out details to help me cope with the experience.
So, let’s just get to what I remember…. I was between 7 & 9 years old. It was either the summertime or a school break and I was at my grandmother’s house. My parents never really liked sending me over there but, once my great grandparents moved to North Carolina they didn’t have lots of options for places to send me during the summer or on my breaks if they weren’t off work. My grandmother didn’t keep a clean house. And if I’m totally honest, she didn’t really “watch” us when we were there.
She always watched tv in the kitchen. Generally soap operas, The Price is Right, and In the Heat of the Night. She was always so wrapped up in the television…. Most days I’d sit out there with her and watch whatever she watched but, from time to time she’d let me go into her bedroom and watch age appropriate shows that I wanted to watch.
On this specific day, I remember being in her room watching tv by myself…. I spent a lot of time there by myself because I was the only girl cousin my age. I remember my cousins coming into the house. My grandmother’s bedroom was by the front door. The kitchen where she watched tv was all the way at the end of the hall, opposite of the entrance to the house and her bedroom. Anyways, they came in the house… And in usual fashion came into the bedroom and attempted to take over the tv and change what I was watching. That of course started a fight. I was the only girl but, I wasn’t a punk. We would wrestle quite often because I wasn’t afraid of them… But, this day it was different.
Initially it started with them wrestling me… And then the tide changed. I remember one of them pulling at my pants. It felt strange but, no one had ever really talked to me about not allowing others to touch me inappropriately. Next thing I know my panties are down and my cousins are telling me they want to see the difference between boys and girls. They’re using their fingers to explore my lower body…. And eventually began to perform oral sex on me. I remember this because it was a weird feeling… And because one of them said it tasted like urine initially….
I don’t remember how long this went on until my grandmother called for one of them…. which of course startled them and me out of this trance we were in…. They both got up and left me to dress myself as they ran down the hall to my grandmother.
It was never spoke of. I never told anyone because I was scared. They never talked about it to me after it happened and…. it never happened again.
But, that experience opened me up to other sexual experiences that I’m sure had I not had this initial encounter I wouldn’t have fallen into traps in others. Granted I didn’t actually lose my virginity until I was 16. I did have some other things that happened to me that shouldn’t have…. Not to mention, I did do some things to others that I shouldn’t have. One, because of my lack of self-esteem and two, because no one really sat down and talked to me about how precious my sexuality, body or innocence really was. That being touched or touching others was NOT okay. That I should tell and that it shouldn’t happen.
Y’all this was a HARD post to write… I literally talked about this in therapy months ago. Wrote a draft, deleted it. Wrote it again… Edited it. And realized I still hadn’t told those closest to me that this happened. So then I was stuck again. Because I was afraid to tell them what happened so many years ago…. But I had to push past it. It’s a part of my healing….
So… what’s today’s lesson? Teach your children that touching others and being touched in ANY way that makes them feel uncomfortable is wrong. No one is allowed to touch another person in a sexual manner…. We need to teach our kids to know when to say no. When to speak up for themselves and when to tell us as their parents that something happened, good or bad.
Well… that’s it for this one…. Until next time…. Peace, Love & Light!